One thing that’s interesting about writing a blog is that I can check my blog’s “stats.” One of the stats that is recorded is a list of search terms that people have used to find my site. That means every time somebody types something into Google and then visits my site after it pops up in their search results, my blog’s stats keep a record of what search term was used to find it. These search terms range from mundane (“acl surgery”) to mildly amusing (“billy ripken fuck face”) to hilarious (“pictures of men on the toilet”). I don’t know exactly why somebody was looking for pictures of men on the toilet, and I don’t really want to know, but I got some site traffic and a hearty laugh out of it, so whatever. I hope that goofy pervert found something to his liking.
I thought that nothing would ever top “pictures of men on the toilet” as my favorite search term, but I was proved wrong today when I logged on and discovered that somebody found my site by searching for “how to poop after knee surgery.” After I stopped laughing and cleaned up the chocolate milk that I shot out my nose, I got to thinking about the poor bastard who actually resorted to using a Google search to figure out how to deal with the problem of pooping after knee surgery. Having had similar problems after my ACL/PCL surgery, I can relate to this person’s struggles. And as a seasoned veteran of the action in question, I feel it is my duty to teach the rookies how to make their post-surgical bathroom experiences as tolerable as possible. So I’m now going to sit down and write the single most unprofessional thing I will ever write. I hope it shows up every time a potential employer Googles my name in the future. Without further ado, I give you the S.A.C.K.S. Postoperative Pooping System:
1. Set the stage
Like many things in life, pooping after knee surgery requires some level of preparation. For one thing, you’re going to need to do a little visual recon of the bathroom to determine if it is suitable for your needs. You’ll need a bathroom that’s big enough to accommodate your new unorthodox stance, so make sure there’s roughly two to three feet of open space in front of the bowl, because you’ll be going to the bathroom like a total moron with one leg sticking straight out in front of you thanks to your immobilizer brace.
You’ll also want to make note of any towel bars or sinks that you can grab on to after you’re finished to help you stand up. (Note: be sure to check the sturdiness of any towel bars before you use them to try to pull yourself up. If you’re not careful, you could yank it straight out of the wall and wind up on your ass.)
You also may want to incorporate a footstool or edge of a bathtub to prop your foot up while doing your business. This approach doesn’t work for me, personally, but I guess it’s possible that some people might enjoy pooping in a reclined position. It’s all about finding your comfort zone.
2. Approach the bowl
This one’s pretty self-explanatory, and it’s also the hardest step to mess up. All you have to do is shuffle your crippled ass up to the toilet, turn around, and slowly lower yourself onto the porcelain. This is a good time to use that towel bar so you don’t have to put your hands all over the toilet seat, because God knows how many people have pissed all over that thing. Really, the only way you can mess this up is if you forget to put the toilet seat down and end up slowly lowering yourself into the toilet bowl. But you should have already addressed the toilet seat situation as part of your visual recon in Step 1, so it should be a non-issue.
3. Crap as hard as you can
If you’re on pain meds, there’s a good chance that you’re going to be constipated. But you can’t just give up and throw up the white flag at the first sign of resistance. This is where champions are made, damn it! What you need to do is crap as hard as you possibly can and show your colon just who is running the show around here. It’s hard enough to take a constipated poop even when you’re at 100%, but now you’re going to have to do it in a completely unfamiliar, uncomfortable position, which makes it even tougher. It’s kind of like if the NBA passed a new rule that required all 3 point shots to be taken Granny style.
Basically, you’re going to have to push like you’re birthing a baby that’s coming out sideways.
4. Keep it quiet
While you’re going through this process, you will inevitably experience times when you just want to scream obscenities at the top of your lungs. You are going to want to fight that urge. Nothing is more unnerving for family members, friends, etc. than to hear a loved one shrieking in the bathroom. Some concerned parties may even knock on the door to ask if you’re all right. Then you’ll be forced to answer “Yes, I was just so FRUSTRATED by the difficulty of this BOWEL MOVEMENT that I felt the need to SCREAM OBSCENITIES.” If you want to avoid weird exchanges like that, you’ll want to severely limit your verbal outbursts.
5. Stand up and wipe
OK, I know what you’re thinking: standing up to wipe is absolutely retarded. Normally, I would agree 100%. But let me assure you, it is the only possible way that you are going to be able to effectively remove the dingleberries from your butt while one of your legs is fully extended. This is just another little-known fringe benefit of wearing an immobilizer brace. It ruins literally every single thing about your previous pooping mechanics. But the good thing about this step is that it is the last one. If you’ve made it through and followed these steps, then you are now victorious in your fight to poop after knee surgery. Congratulations.
Well there you have it. The S.A.C.K.S. Postoperative Pooping System. I hope the one guy on Earth that needs it finds his way back to my site. As for everybody else, keep my system in mind if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, and happy pooping!!